Friday, June 19, 2009

First love

There's a time for everything, you said last night in my dream. Even while I was asleep I thought; no, there never was a time for us. Seeing you last week affected me more than I realized until now. I knew there was a chance that you would be there, that didn't help. I haven't seen you in 8+ years. It was still a shock.

Seeing you reminded me of the time when I loved you. Even though we were never together, the hope that it might have happen, made me happy. I don't love you anymore, how could I? I fell in love with the man you were becoming but I don't really know the man you became. I know you are happy now, that is bitter-sweet for me, I'm happy for you but, I find myself longing for what I don't have. I feel empty.

It is not just the loneliness, it is the fact that I haven't care for anyone in a long time. The need to love someone is even stronger than the need to feel loved. I never thought that would happen to me, given that I fall in love easily. Or, at least, I used to fall in love easily. Maybe that's not me anymore, my walls got higher and thicker after my inside got shattered 9 years ago. That wasn't your fault but, at some level, I blame you. If you had felt what I felt the story would have been very different. I can't get all the "ifs" to go away and that hurts.

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