Tuesday, July 7, 2009

10 years in solitude

I realized this week that tomorrow is the 10th anniversary since I've been alone. 10 years a go I had you and you had me. You left me and I just realized, it still hurts. I've been in denial a long time. It feels good to let it out. It still hurts.

We met in high school but we didn't pay attention to each other then. You were the clown of the band, I was the nerd. We met again a few years later, you were still funny and more interesting. I found out a few days earlier than the love of my life had his own love of his life and I was a little heart-broken. You healed my heart with your smile and your persistence. I was a bitch to you those few weeks you were after me. Yet, you kept coming back. I decided to give you a chance and before I knew it I had fell for you. It was the first time I loved and was loved back. It was bitter-sweet. We had our problems, your mom hated me, I didn't like her that much. I hated that you wouldn't defended me from her horrendous comments. But, we loved each other, or that is what I thought.

After almost a year, I knew things were not going great and, silly me, thought that if we got closer everything would be all right again. I went on vacation and didn't see you for a couple of weeks. When I saw you again you broke up with me. You told me all the clichés I never thought I would hear, it was not me, it was you, you needed time, etc. I believed when you said you just needed time. I didn't know you already had someone else.

I found out you were cheating on me 7 months after we broke up. At our professor's funeral. I had to keep everything I felt inside. I couldn't ask you about it, I couldn't slap you, even though I so wanted to. It was too late. So, I have kept those feelings inside me for 10 long and lonely years. I haven't had another relationship since then. I can't trust on anyone anymore. I have lied to myself saying that I miss having someone, that I don't miss you, I do, I miss YOU.

I know you got married and have children. You forgot me. I never forgot you. I hope you are and will always be happy. It's been a long time now and I still don't know if I can forgive you. I've almost lost hope that I will ever find someone else and I know it is because of you. I so wish you could read this, you owe me 10 years of my life.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Deray--this broke my heart to read this post. There's a wonderful man out there--just waiting for you. Don't EVER settle for less than you deserve. I had really given up on love until I met my husband. I am so glad I held out for 'that one.'

    I've been meaning to check out your blogs--now I have--and I am very impressed by your honesty.

    Melinda

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  2. Thank you Melinda. As you can see here and in BC I'm very transparent. It can be problematic sometimes but I rather get everything I feel out than to let it consume me from the inside.

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